Wow it is weird to think of myself as a woman. When does that happen? When do we go from a girl to a woman? I don’t think it’s when we get our first period because I was only eleven then and I didn’t feel like a woman. Maybe there isn’t a specific age that it happens. You just sort of evolve into it. That is a very good question…I never really thought of it. This is what writing whatever comes to mind does. I think of things that were in my head but I didn’t even realize. I know that I have changed a lot just during college alone. Every year it was like I made this transition into a different person. I don’t think I realized it as it happened, but looking back I can see it. I bet a lot of it has to do with the people I chose to associate with. There were the good and the bad ones. It might be sad to say, but the bad ones have probably helped me to become a better person. They helped to see that I was going down a path that I didn’t like. Maybe that’s not the right thing to say. I don’t think I ever went too far down the wrong paths. I am guessing that the good ones helped me to turn around and go back towards being good! If anything, I have learned to stand up for myself. I can’t live my life trying to make anyone else happy. I need to be myself no matter what. Like the song says, “It’s better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you’re not.” I like those lyrics a lot. They are the truth. I am happy that I have learned not to take peoples’ bologna. I mean sometimes you have to deal with a little bit of crap, but if you’re doing it for a good reason I think that’s okay. I find it so enigmatic that we can change so much without even realizing it until later. I mean I guess some things I did realize at the time, but the big picture, that I realized later. I’m sure five years from now I’ll look back and be thinking the same things about the time when I finished grad school and was about to enter the real world.
I was watching a show this morning that mentioned Y2K. I had nearly forgotten about that. I cannot believe that it has been over ten years since people were worried about all of that stuff. I must admit even I had a few worries. Mine were focused around hospitals. What if the power went out and people couldn’t be on life support or whatever they needed and they all died? Thankfully, none of this came true. Wow ten years ago. That is insane. I was in seventh grade. Twelve years old. Those were the days when you couldn’t wait to grow up and be independent. Now I’d like to have fewer worries, like I did back then. Things are so much different for me now though. I would never want to go back through the middle school years. I must say that those were not the happiest of times for me. I blame the cruelty that is middle schoolers. They are mean. They are so incredibly blunt and harsh. Yes, cruel is a good word. If you do not fit into the puzzle, you are going to be faced with the cruelty. You don’t wear the right brands or you don’t have perfect skin or perfect hair. It is a time where you want so badly to fit in. I wish that I could go back and tell myself that everything will get so much better someday. Now you hear in the news how kids kill themselves because they are bullied. Or you hear about massacres like Columbine that happened in 1999. If only kids knew that it will get better. Life goes on after middle school. I am so happy that it does. Life goes beyond wearing clothes from Abercrombie or sneakers that are Nike or those God-awful polar fleece vests from Old Navy that everyone had to have. Seriously, what the fuck? Life goes beyond those popular girls who won’t hang out with you because you are different than they are. Life goes beyond those who tease you because you have acne or you’re flat chested or you are incredibly not flat chested. Life goes beyond nobody letting you sit with them on the school bus. Thank God it goes on. At the time though, you don’t think it’s going to go on. I never contemplated suicide, but I also didn’t get tormented like some kids do. I had a support system of friends and an amazing family. I was taught things like “beauty is skin deep.” Try telling that to a kid who wakes up every morning terrified to go to school because he or she doesn’t know what hell he or she is going to have to face that day. They’ll probably tell you to take your skin deep beauty and shove it up your blow hole. It hurts. You want to crawl into a hole and hide and never come out. Do you know how embarrassing it was the day somebody created the phrase “pimple power” to describe my skin? My God, I almost died my senior year trying to get rid of my bad skin. Do you think I wanted acne? Absolutely not. You can’t tell kids to ignore it. How do you ignore being treated poorly because you do not fit in for some reason? Good luck. I still take some things to heart now, ten years later. I just feel that the older you get the more confidence you acquire. That is how I feel at least. I have more confidence now than I did ten or five or even a year ago. I always have knowing that I am a good person on my side. If there is one thing that I want to do as a teacher it is to get students to be more accepting of others’ differences. I don’t expect it to happen like some Freedom Writers thing, but I will find a way. You do not have to be best friends with every single person. Heck, you don’t even have to like everybody. Still you must respect them. You must treat people the way you want to be treated. I don’t care if they are a different color, different socioeconomic status, different gender, differet anything. You treat them well. You treat them like a human being. You can’t mess around with people’s feelings. That is how incredible tragedies begin. So I pledge that I will do my part to get students to treat others with respect. With dignity. The way they would want to be treated.
I had a dream last night that I was driving down the road with S Club 7. I think we might have been shooting a music video. It was strange. Then somebody on the side of the road had a pet tiger. I’m pretty sure we were on the Pleasant Valley Road now that I think of it. In another part of my dream I think I was on a cruise ship. I have the strangest dreams. A lot of times I wake up and I’m like what the heck is going on in my brain? In part of my dream we were underwater watching a cruise ship sink. It seemed like a really big one then all of a sudden it was the size of a rowboat. That just doesn’t make sense to me. The thought of being on a sinking ship does terrify me. So does swimming along and seeing a sunken ship. Even looking at pictures of ships underwater creeps me out. I don’t really have a reason why. It really makes me skin crawl though. I guess I wouldn’t want to pay to go on a submarine down to the Titanic. A lot of random things creep me out though. Those windmills you see on the way to Plattsburgh are scary. So are huge water towers. I really don’t have a reason why I’m scared, but I get this feeling when I’m near them that I don’t like. Kind of like the feeling I get when I’m in deep water and can’t feel the bottom and it’s just that feeling of not know what is around you. I hate that feeling.
Never knew I could feel like this Like I’ve never seen the sky before Want to vanish inside your kiss Everyday I love you more and more Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings Telling me to give you everything Seasons may change winter to spring But I love you until the end of time Come what may, come what may I will love you until my dying day
I just got back from Kari’s baby shower. I love Frego showers, they’re always a lot of fun. And a lot of food. I love food. Especially chicken wing dip. There’s is too spicy though. It makes my mouth feel so hot that I could probably breathe fire like a dragon. That is a nice image. Kari got a lot of really things. I can’t wait for Madison to be born. She’s going to be so spoiled I can just tell. I thought this would give me baby fever, but it didn’t. I am kind of shocked. Instead, it just enhanced my wedding fever. I guess I have to do thing in order. Everyone was like oh when will the next shower be, then all eyes turn to me. Oh geez. I don’t know I guess that’s possible. I’m just waiting on Andy. I mean it is logical that it would be me next. I’ve had the boyfriend for over a year now. I can’t wait! It is going to be so exciting to really start to plan. I’m sad that Kari is going to be moving to Oswego. It seems so far away, even though it really isn’t that bad. I could go for a day trip. It’s going to be weird though not being like hey wanna get some sesame chicken. I don’t really like sesame chicken all that much but Kari is freakishly obsessed with it. Like I’m obsessed with weddings maybe. Hahahaha. I asked Laurie to do my hair for the wedding in June. She said to give her a call, so I should do that sometime this week. I’m not sure what I want to do, but I want it to be something pulled back and simple. I got my hair cut today so hopefully it’ll be long enough to do something with. This is the first time I’ve gotten my hair cut this short in quite a while…early in college I think. Maybe it was sophomore year. I do not recall. I like it though. Wow that baby shower made me tired. Or it’s possible that I was tired to begin with. That’s probably it, since I was yawning up a storm at Kerm’s earlier. I love that place. The one who cut my hair today did a great job. I’ve been going there for most of my life. It’s cheap and they usually do a good job. I guess it depends on who is doing it. I just figured it’d be easier to have someone I know do my hair than have to make an appointment at some salon. Maybe I’ll get a French twist. That could be pretty. I love weddings a lot. It’s the whole atmosphere I think. The church and the pictures and the flowers and the music. Dancing too. That is so fun. You have to have the chicken dance at a wedding. Kari’s wedding was a lot of fun. I think I’ll model mine after hers. It was simple and nice and everyone had a great time. And we danced to Jump On It. That should be a new tradition. Seems like a great idea to me. The weather is so crappy today. It’s cold and rainy. Cold rain too. Mom made me get the car at Kari’s house. Yea, make me run into the rain and get wet. There is nothing worse than big cold raindrops going down your shirt and freezing your skin. Where is our spring weather? We had a nice streak, then it went back to this nasty stuff. I guess it is supposed to rain a lot in the spring. I really hate it when it gets too hot though so I suppose I will take this for now. I saw Rachael today. She went with us to the shower. I miss her! We used to hang out like everyday and now it’s pretty rare. The last time I saw her was on St. Patrick’s Day I think…and that was a month ago exactly. That makes me kind of sad. I guess we are both busy, especially with school. Oh school. How I can’t wait to be done with that. It’s so close to being done but it seems so far away. Patience is a virtue…but I’m not very virtuous when it comes to that I guess. I really do not want to have to student teach again. I sometimes think that if I had known that ahead of time I would have chosen a different program.
I was just on this website with journaling prompts and it said this: When did you get your first library card? Describe the event. Just reading that put a smile on my face. My grandma took me to get my first library card. It was the summer before 6th grade. We had to read a few books before school started, and I needed to get them from the library. I did a lot with my grandparents…so I happened to be there when I needed this card. The card that opens up your world to so much amazement. If you can’t tell, I love books. But anyways, Grandma took me to the library. I remember that she had to sign the card for me because I was a minor. She jokingly warned that I better return my books on time because she would have to pay the fines if I didn’t. I got a book about Tutankamen, that famous mummy. How do I remember that? I do not know. I cherish this memory, even though it is just an ordinary memory. One that made me smile.
I had a dream last night that if I could get it all organized would probably make a pretty decent movie. Or maybe a short story. It all started when I was at Jodi’s house and people started killing each other. It was like a chain reaction, kind of like in The Happening. One person killed someone then another person killed someone else…it made sense in my dream. Next I think I was downtown and the same thing was happening. It as chaos. Amy was there. So were some random people from my classes. I don’t remember all that many details up until Mr. Ham (who was my French teacher in high school) led us into this office building. We were on the top floor in some random office. Actually now that I think of it, it seems a lot like Raymond Hall…but in downtown Potsdam. We were hiding out from the killers. I think that a virus broke out and that’s what was making people kill. So very standard for killing movies. Anyways, one thing I remember Amy saying was, “They’re saying this is the end of the world. This is how they’re getting rid of everyone.” I was all like, “You’re crazy!” Then the next thing I remember was there were some guys in another building across the street. We were trying to communicate with them by writing with dry erase markers backwards on the window. They ended up risking their lives and coming over to where we were hiding. Then the next thing I remember is one of the guys was going to search for his family, to see if they were still alive. I don’t really know why, but I decided to go with him. He was going to drive to like Montana or something. Why would anyone be in Potsdam if their family lives in Montana? That is a mystery to me. We got in his car, but had to be careful because for whatever reason bodies were dropping from the trees. Then I realized I forgot my purse. That clearly seems like an important thing to have in an end of the world crisis. I am reading this really great book, Lies My Teacher Told Me. It is filled with all of the things we are taught in our history text books that isn’t true or is only partially true. It was amazing to find out all of the flat out lies we are taught about Christopher Columbus. Now I am faced with a challenge. How will I teach my students the truth (when I find a job)? I think it’s important that they know what really happened. If it were up to a lot of people, we certainly would not have a day off for Columbus. He didn’t even discover America. He is responsible for killing of many Native Americans (I can’t remember the exact amount). He should not be seen as an American hero. It kind of makes me mad that he is. That is not the only thing I am learning in this book. I also found out that Helen Keller was a Socialist! Who knew? All we learn in school is that she was taught to read and stuff even though she was blind and deaf. The story pretty much ends there. But her life did not end. She continued to fight for women’s rights and all this other stuff. No wonder kids think history is boring, they don’t learn these really exciting stories! Back to the doctor today. I think he is going to discuss my bloodwork that I had done on Monday. They sucked like a gallon of blood from me I swear. Good thing I’m not really scared of needles…I’ve gotten bloodwork done so many times that I’m just used to it. My headache hasn’t been as bad yesterday or today. I also hope I get the clearance to go back to classes. I hate missing them. If you miss one class that is two and a half hours long you are missing a lot of information. I think my teachers are being understanding at least. They did get a doctor’s note after all. That has to be good for something. I think Andy and I are going to go to the movies tonight. I need to get out and do something. I pretty much haven’t left the house except for doctor’s appointments since last Thursday. That’s when I got my wisdom teeth out and this all started.
lots of babysitting librarian’s assistant then page at the Potsdam Public Library research assistant for the Potsdam Institute for Applied Research teaching assistant for BOCES Beginning Years Program assorted other jobs for old people
10 Noteworthy Things That Happened Today (Technically Yesterday Since It's After Midnight)
1. Went to the eye doctor in Ogdensburg and passed a visual field test. 2. The bright sunshine hurt my eyes because they were dilated. 3. Lunch with Mom . 4. Watched an episode of Golden Girls and laughed. 5. Took a nap. 6. Had some delicious steak…but had to cut into tiny baby pieces. 7. Watched part of Stand By Me. 8. Andy came over and we watched Major Payne. 9. Ate a no-bake cookie. 10. Watched Parenthood.
I got some bad news today. I have been having headaches since Saturday…Thursday I got my wisdom teeth out. At first I thought maybe the headaches were just part of the wisdom teeth thing (I mean come on they ripped 4 teeth out of my gums). I started getting worried when the headaches got more severe…and were like someone was squeezing my head really hard at the temples. Flashback to my senior year of high school…I believe it was February. That was when I started taking minocycline for my acne (thank you puberty). Everything was fine until I started losing my vision every so often. It got really scary. It wasn’t dehydration like some people suggested. Mom took me to the ER. The (cute) doctor was stumped. He figured out that it was pseudo tumor cerebri, which can be a side effect of minocycline. He said go home and come back tomorrow if things don’t get better. They didn’t get better. I went back the next day and had to have a spinal tap. That actually isn’t quite as scary as it sounds…but it is potentially dangerous since they are sticking a needle that’s like a foot long (probably not) into your spine. Now if that had been the end of things it would have been all well and good. But nope. I started having the most intense headaches of all times. I’m talking so bad that you can’t think or see straight or do anything except cry…maybe even throw up. I remember I was sitting at the kitchen table at my grandparent’s house and my grandpa made me some Progresso soup. I love that stuff. I tried so hard to sit there and eat it but my head hurt so bad. I had to go lay back down. I had to go to the opthamologist a lot and get my eyes dialated. That is not a fun time. Your pupils get so huge it looks like you’re incredibly baked. People stare at you. I missed pretty much a whole week of school…this included pie week. What is pie week you might ask? It was the week in my cooking class where we made like 3 pies. I’m still sad I missed that week. What a downer. But I digress. After quite some time I got all better. I thought it was all in the past. Until today. I just had this bad feeling. So Mom got me in to see the PA at my doctor’s office. He was all like why are you taking clindamycin and I was like I don’t know that’s what the oral surgeon gave me. He was like that’s bad news since you have pseudo tumor cerebri (that’s a mouthful, I know). And it starts again. This time I’m hoping it won’t be as bad…hopefully no foot long needles in my spine…although I wouldn’t mind seeing that (cute) doctor again. Don’t tell Andy I said that. I’m going to an eye doctor in Ogdensburg tomorrow…it’s the only one I could get into. I am not supposed to go to classes this week…I really hate missing classes. Last semester I only missed one the whole time and it’s because I had some flu thing…not the swine flu…that happened over Thanksgiving break. Lucky me! Being sick is just not my cup of tea. It seems like I can’t just get a little sick…I have to go all out. Not my choice, trust me. I’m going a little stir crazy…is that the right phrase. Okay I’ll say I have Cabin Fever…but not like the movie where the dog licks the guys lips off…that was sick. Although Ryder Strong is in it…and I do love Boy Meets World. I am running out of things to do here. Today was the first day I left the house since Thursday. And it wasn’t really to have fun. The most fun I had today was going to Norwood to get take-out from Hometown with my parents. I also had a popsicle. Oh, and I watched The Big Green. It’s funny how movies are different when you watch them when you’re older. I never knew that a kid in that movie mentions Reaganomics…I don’t think I even learned about that til college. Maybe high school. I still couldn’t really tell you what it is though. I love how the teacher doesn’t teach in the movie at all. She’s like let’s play some football I mean soccer because this is America not England. I want another popsicle.
I have pretty much epic failed my Curves plan the last few weeks. Today I shall start over. Back to Phase 1. 1200 calories a day. That was the hardest week. I can do it! I think I began to backslide over Spring Break. Then it was just easy rolling downhill from there. I think starting our hiking goal has given me motivation to try harder. My goal is to go to Curves 3 times this week and lose 2 pounds by next Monday. So let’s go!!!